Sarcasm: Attempting to Cover Shame

A client recently told me that sarcasm was a way to cover up shame. I got to thinking about this idea and realized: there’s some truth to that. I remember the scene from the movie Anger Management where Jack Nicholson cunningly says to Adam Sandler: “You know, sarcasm is anger’s ugly cousin.”  The truth is when we are honest about our emotions, and we speak them in loving and/or respectful ways – and when others respond with grace and forgiveness, the relationships grow. However, most of us don’t experience this in our closest relationships – indeed, we often experience the opposite!  Let’s look at a few ways that we can be more honest about our emotions.

Step 1: Breath. if you pay attention to your breath right now, can you tell if it is at the top of the breath or the bottom of your breath? To clarify, are you taking shallow breaths, and if you try to suck in a little bit more air, does it feel difficult? Most likely, the answer to this question is yes! Most of us live our lives chronically stressed out, fatigued, and subsequently experiencing anxiety with shallow breathing. One of the best tools to quickly calm the body and mind is to…exhale. Exhaling is such a useful tool that it is recommended in all sorts of scenarios: during panic attacks, during the experience of regular anxiety, and it is also useful during active listening/trying to pay attention. The next time you are preparing to communicate some intense emotions – or– if you are on the receiving end of intense emotions, practice the art of exhaling, and
see if this doesn’t help in moving toward a resolution.

Step 2: Journal. it may be cliché, but it’s helpful! Journaling is a great way to clarify thoughts and feelings. There’s no right or wrong way to do it either (which should make it less intimidating); unfortunately, journaling seems to intimidate most people for whatever reason. Whether it is that it feels trite, stupid, awkward, or maybe you are just “not a writer.” The truth is, journaling can be done through voice, texting, drawing pictures, scribbling words – however you want to get those thoughts and feelings out…just get them out! If you are preparing for a hard conversation, one of the best ways to prepare is to journal – as if you were sitting with and giving your speech to the person in front of you. Do not memorize it, nor take it with you to the conversation; just prepare ahead of time by getting all of those thoughts out – often, this leads to increased clarity in the conversation!

Finally, it’s time to communicate those feelings! As long as you are breathing, exhaling, and have sorted through your (potentially irrational) thoughts and beliefs around the feelings, you are ready to come into the conversation with a level head. It helps if you can give the other person permission not to agree. It is super helpful if you can give that person permission to have intense emotions and feelings even if you don’t like them (your work in this is to control your own emotions and feelings – but it is almost never helpful to try to control another person‘s emotions and feelings). If you try the tips and tools above, you will likely be problem-solving your way to blissful relationships in no time!