As counselors, we often see struggling marriages within our practices. Often, when working with couples, practitioners pick up on subtle, subconscious communication
patterns within the marital interactions. Over time (and specifically thanks to the research of Dr. John Gottman), one set of these commonalities has been termed “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Marriage” (Gottman & Silver, 2021).

The four horsemen are described by Gottman as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (or shutting down). Gottman claims to be able to predict marriage by the frequency of these communication styles within marital disagreements. However, hope is not lost; familiarizing oneself with these concepts, and learning to recognize them in the midst of marital conflict, can often change negative marital interactions to more neutral ones – or potentially even positive ones (where resolve or compromise can often be found).

Starting with criticism, criticism is potentially the most common communication style within marital conflict. As one starts to become more aware of the criticism, that person will become more (subconsciously) reactive – with defensiveness – within themselves (or from the one in which he or she is criticizing, if he or she is the criticizer).  Although criticism is often an instantaneous triggered reaction, it is the defensiveness that comes after – immediately following – that is a helpful place to intervene. Part of the reason for this is intervening here (by resisting the urge to respond defensively) can (and often does) keep the other two horsemen from coming into play (Mindbodygreen, 2021).

Unfortunately, if criticism and defensiveness are not bridled relatively quickly, contempt and stonewalling can occur. The hallmark signs of contempt are when one spouse
starts to “hit below the belt” or attack the other spouse’s character. Stonewalling can occur before or after the contempt. A helpful antidote for contemptuous attacks is to try practicing using “I” language or “we” language instead of “you” language (Krown, 2012).

Self-talk can be a helpful tool to use if stonewalling has become the core psychological symptom (for one or both partners). There are many excellent resources (webpages, podcasts, books, etc.) that use the skills of CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) to explore the self-talk behind present emotions. It can also be helpful to identify the core beliefs behind these thoughts and, if possible, where they come from within the person’s childhood. An intentional, 20-minute time out – instead of giving into unintentional stonewalling – can often be helpful, as well (Stonewalling? 7 Powerful and Effective Ways to Stop, 2022).

If one finds that contempt and stonewalling have become commonplace within marital reactions, marital therapy may be in order. Within the safety of the therapy room, a skilled therapist can help both parties (within the marriage) become more aware of these interactions, determine the subconscious roots (on both sides) that contribute to these interactions, can help to interrupt unhealthy patterns of interaction, and can lead the couple on a new trajectory towards loving – and healing – communication styles.